Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
Fuck me I smell like cheese
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
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