I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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