3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
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