Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
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