Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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