I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
Randomize
