For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
Randomize
