So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Randomize
