I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Four minutes until I can fart!
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
Randomize
