I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
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