At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
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