I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
