my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
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He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
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Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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