Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
