we had that weird still in bed morning after conversation. Her dad is the vp of my company.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Randomize
