Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
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I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
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