Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
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