9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
Randomize
