i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize
