just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
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