just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
