i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
Randomize
