party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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