Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
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