hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Randomize
