I CAN MOONWALK!
I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
Randomize
