the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
