Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
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