Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
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