oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
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