Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
When did we convert life to cartoon?
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
