dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
Help me help you realize you are a moron
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize