They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
