He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
i cant wait for all this BS that is happening with Tiger to happen to Tebow
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize
