Tell me exactly where it said it wasn't a unisex bathroom.
Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Randomize
