My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
i came on her dog
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
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