When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
Just invented taco cereal.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
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