my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
