im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
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