i'm lost and i look like a hooker
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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