the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
how drunk are you?
Several
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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