the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
smell my finger.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
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