Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
Randomize
