I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
