I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
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