You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
my FASA form asked what i spent the majority of my 08 earnings on, im tempted to put "booze, blow, & blunts"
Do you think girls in gamma phi sit around and think about how much they suck?
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
are any of them hardcore sluts...just absolute worthless human beings? if not the paper wins
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
