I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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