I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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