I met the friendliest cop last night
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Randomize
