I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
