Who wears a wallet chain?!
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
I deserve this hangover.
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
Randomize
