i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
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