haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize