You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
