I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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