I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
fuck your aforementioned shoe
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
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